I've always been a runner, a chaser, a go getter. Never quite satisfied. Always searching for the next distraction. The next town. The next place to 'start again'. Sometimes it feels like a curse. Or an addiction. And sometimes I just like to lazily blame it on my genetics, as if some how it could be some kind of predisposition inherited from my Father, or maybe my Mother's side of the family? At this point though, i've come to realise and more so accept, that it's not genetics at all, but rather, an inner discord. A lack of harmony and ease within myself. An inability or rather an unwillingness to accept myself and the terms and conditions of what I do, how I move, how I speak and how I exist. Basically, i'm addicted to the idea of reinvention, renewal and regeneration. The feeling of beginning again, in another environment, with different faces and different streets and new air.
The problem that I always encounter though, is myself. Because of course I take myself with me wherever I go. Obviously.
Wherever you go, there you are.
So what have I learnt? Well for starters, i've accepted that there is a lot going on in my head and in my heart. There's a tendency in me to overthink. My default state is that of melancholia. And well, basically, I love the things that I like. But I don't like myself. Pretty screwy isn't it?
And so what now? What next? Well, nothing. And everything. If that makes any sort of sense. I recently packed up my belongings, sold my car and returned home to Noosa after a year down south in Melbourne for work. I do this often. It's the nature of the career and the interests that i've been pursuing since I was a kid. Opportunities lure me to busier places, and then I get tired and then I get aggressive and desperate, and then something inside me breaks, and so I return home. I returned after two years in Sydney. I returned after a year dancing and working in the USA when I was nineteen. I pretty much come back whenever I feel the need to rehabilitate my mind and my body. It's my base camp.
So, what's different this time?
For now i'm just going to listen, and take note. I want to figure out the triggers. I want to learn what really keeps me going. And what blocks my progression. Why do I get sad? Why do I feel unworthy sometimes? How can I lay that part of me to rest? For good!
Most importantly, i'm interested in finding that inner harmony. That inner acceptance. The stuff that fuels contentment, and authenticity. I'm no longer interested in maintaining superficial friendships and i'm no longer interested in being used. It's too exhausting.
One day at a time.
// Photos taken on iPhone and edited with VSCO.