Alright, so here I am, wondering, thinking, very much not sure and very much not okay. Okay?
I'm trying to figure something out. A big thing. A thing that puts me into a certain category of people. Plain crazy perhaps?
You see, I kind of feel that right now, at this very moment, I have to step away, I have to remove myself from everything that seems to be destroying me. I want to get away from the noise.
Why can't I write the scripts I want to write? I can't edit, I don't feel compelled to create anything at the moment and I seem to be operating at a really low energy, sort of just drifting. The only clue I have as to how I got here, is the fact that around six months ago I met someone, and it sort of flicked a switch. It changed everything. Because for the longest time I did everything on my own. I grew up really fast and I became very self sufficient. The whole of me was poured into dancing, and ballet and intense training, and achievements and goals. And then I sort of woke up and realised that I do everything I do with the intention to be liked, to be included, to feel as though I belong to someone or something. I never experienced the other side of being human, the giving yourself to someone side, the loving another person side. I was always kind of just on the edge of that, peeking in, trying to find it in public, on a train, making eye contact with strangers. Seeing if anyone would be interested in saving me.
I've always had this fantasy where in the event that something catastrophic is taking place, like a tsunami, or if a war breaks out, I just want to know that someone will show up, and be there, to grab my hand and get through it with me. I think about it often, on a flight, or if i'm driving. Like who would I call if something bad happened? Who would call me? It's a weird thought to have, but I think about it a lot. I love the idea of a storm or a hurricane or a natural disaster bringing people together. Human connection. Survival.
Right now all I want to do is remove myself from social media, turn off my phone and listen. The grid is no place for me to be at the moment. I'm trying to figure out the best way forward. Do I go? And if so, where do I go? Where can I exist without pressure and without expectation.
I think soon I'll make some kind of decision. I feel as though I have to. I need to change. I really want to.
// Photos taken on iPhone and edited with VSCO.